(147) Nagging? Why THEY (or YOU) Won’t Budge

Updated: Jul 27

How many times can we keep asking the same someone 'to do' or 'to stop doing' before finally giving up?

The answer is never, because the nagger and naggee have a special relationship that neither wants to give up or even change.

The nagger can shake her or his head in mock or real frustration while feeling above / better than. He or she can use their best what’s-wrong-with-you-voice to ask, Why can’t you do (or not do) the simplest thing?

On the other side, the naggee can enjoy the attention. It is a negative sort of interest, but many of us need more attention than we generally receive, and some mild negative is not really that bad, is it?

So, the situation, if not wonderful, is at least okay. Right?

Even if nagging is just a small part of the relationship, it is still negative, and relationships between nagger and naggee has been known to spiral drainward.

If you have some nagging in your life, here are some suggestions:

*If you are the one being nagged, well then, start or stop, problem solved. And no, it does not feel good to ‘let them have their way', but if you do or stop quietly, you can take your relationship to the next level.

*As for you, the nagger, consider picking your battles. Can you let go of this particular one? Would the world end if you did not get your way? Besides, suddenly stopping that nagging flow of words is sometimes enough to push the naggee right into starting or stopping.

*Another option is to 'say' with consequences; decide if it is that important, and then clearly say how far you are not willing to go and what will happen if that line is crossed. And never bluff.

Whether you are the nagger or naggee, if you are unsure about stopping, try it for a week. You just might enjoy the smoother, more tranquil relationship enough to keep it.

A first cousin to nagging is "The Helper,"

those who like to advise (push) us into the positive changes THEY think we need.

Our Relationship was Circling the Drain

She saw the changes I needed in my life, the ones that would do me the most good, and she would not stop trying to ‘help’ me.

She could not understand my resistance, that I tended to dig in when someone pushed, nor did she understand the end of our relationship.

There are people everywhere trying to get others to change: to lose weight, to start dating or even just see the sunny side of life. And yes, I too am guilty.

Why do we do it?

Perhaps we hope that their change will somehow help us. Or maybe it is just easier to focus on others rather than look at ourselves.

And too often, we ‘helpers’ tend to start without first asking; we jump right in thinking that we know what is best for them.

At the very least, this can be intrusive and might even be considered arrogant. Even if we do know what is best for them, do we have the right to even bring it up, much less shove them into it?

The reality? If we want our relationships to flourish, it is best to stop “helping.” Sometimes that freeing moment brings the very change we wanted for them, as well as a closer relationship.

Regardless, here are 4 good reasons to stop "helping" right now:

1) Every push we give can put distance in the relationship.

2) If they are resisting our push, no amount of persuasive argument (nor irritation/anger) is going to move them—until they are ready. And in that moment, they will move themselves.

3) The change we want for them is sometimes the very one we want for ourselves, and focusing on them helps us not at all.

4) And, finally, the only person on the planet we can change is the one (writing and) reading these words.

So, let’s do that. Let’s inspire those around us by going for the one change that means the most to us, because that is the change that will lift our lives highest, and theirs too, now.

The Worst Relationship Game Ever


Scorekeeping: "I did for you, now you do for me. Why aren't You?" Scorekeeping is the one and only game where both sides feel like they are losing -- and fight to stop feeling that way.

(How to) Stop Scorekeeping -- & - Start Loving


All She Ever Wanted Was...


Her: She was saying, “If only I could find the right guy, I would give myself to him, and—

I stopped her and asked, “Give your SELF?”

Her eyes widened as she realized what she had said and what she had been doing.

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His business was deep in the red, and he was now desperate.

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He immediately said, “My Mother.”

She was giving him money to keep his business afloat.

She had also given him the down payment for his house and had recently taken over the payments. ​

His insight: "I'm 30 years old and still (like a child) dependent on my mother!"

Both Him & Her: The power of a deep insight is that it cannot be unseen; it will tend to keep prodding, motivating and pushing Him and Her into a permanent change (no resolutions needed).

And That Power is Now Yours:


Either one of these 2 simple techniques can bring you a life-changing insight, one that leads to permanent change.

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The very foundation of personal improvement is self-care/self-love. At this link: https://www.danielsperaw.com/single-post/Self-Care-Self-Love-3-Tips--Raise-Your-Quality-of-Life

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