(12) To Love & Be Loved... Stop Scorekeeping

Updated: Apr 29

For most games, there is a scorecard, penciled, printed or mental; and no matter how many cards are floating around the game, they all read the same—with one glaring exception: it is the game of "Hey, it's My Turn!"

The game is simple, and it goes like this: I did for you, now you do for me. Why aren’t you?

In normal games like basketball or pinball, tossing pennies or tossing logs, it is about who has the highest score; but with this game, the opposing side’s score is always higher; which puts the home team in a state of losing disbelief.

Right! Both sides believe they have a lower score, both believe the opposing side owes them and both experience all the negative feelings that go with losing.

Sadly, one of the main rules of this game is silence, absolute silence; and even though one side occasionally reaches out and reduces some of that separating distance, the silence keeps pushing the scores’ imbalance until there is more resentment and blame than caring and love.

I know about scorekeeping better than most, because it was the way I grew up; and it affected my relationships, romantic and otherwise, for far too long.

The good news is that there is a simple way to replace that stress-filled game; and it will bring you a ton of benefits (6 to be exact) – as you will see in Step 2.

And that is exactly where we are, Step 2. This step is so powerful you might not even need Step 1. So powerful you had better be sitting down when you read it.

Oh, and you might need to dust off your acting skills.


Give often, without expectation of returns, without keeping track and without even remembering.

If you were sitting, you are probably on your on your feet now shouting “That’s stupid!!! They’re not giving to me, and you want me to start giving and giving and giving to -- them?”

Yes! Because of all it is going to do for you:

1) It can almost immediately up your quality of life, because giving feels good (the planning, the act and afterward too).

2) When one person in a relationship truly changes, the other is forced to change. They cannot go on as before, because it feels wrong; so, they adjust.

Which means there is a good chance that they will start giving freely to you. BUT do not keep track! If it happens, just be grateful, appreciative.

See? 2 benefits already, but wait until you see these.

3) When the giving is difficult, freely giving increases your inner strength - every time.

4.) Giving can also raise your self-esteem (what you think about you) - every time.

5.) And more self-esteem raises your general level of happiness (because liking yourself more always does).

6) And, you no longer have to live with the tension, stress and the other negative emotions that come with scorekeeping.

Yes, all that just for taking a deep breath and diving into this next part.


All finished dusting off those acting skills?

Then, each time you give, act as though you want nothing in return; and then keep on acting, holding back and remaining silent, even as you are wanting to point out, remind or at least hint at the wonder of your giving.

Can't wait to get started? Take it slowly!

The change in your relationship can be major, and your partner needs time to adjust. Limit your giving to 1 or 2 times a week, for three weeks, and then add one more for the next 3 weeks, etc.

And enjoy all 6 benefits that you have created and that you deserve.

Oh! Right. You want to know about Step One. It is breaking the rule of silence, which can help break up the game. And a good place to start is by talking about the game itself.

Gently get them to agree that it is something you have both been doing. And if they do not agree easily, let it go, it doesn’t matter.

You will change them with the brand new and awesomely giving you -- a you that is now guiding both of your lives into a deeper, more energized and fulfilling relationship.

She Just Wanted a Good Man

Her: She was saying, “If only I could find the right guy, I would give myself to him, and—

I stopped her and asked, “Give your SELF?”

Her eyes widened as she realized what she had said and what she had been doing.

Him: His business was deep in the red, and he was now desperate.

I asked him, “If there was one person on the planet holding you back, who would it be?”

He immediately said, “My Mother.”

She was giving him money to keep his business afloat.

She had also given him the down payment for his house and had recently taken over the payments. ​

His insight: "I'm 30 years old and still (like a child) dependent on my mother!"

For Him & Her: the power of a deep insight is that it cannot be unseen; it will tend to keep prodding, motivating and pushing them into the permanent changes they want so badly (no resolutions needed).

And that power is now yours, free :

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"At any moment, the decision you make can change the course of your life forever."

Tony Robbins








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