(22) Bring in More Compliments & Use Them to Raise Your Self-Esteem

Updated: Aug 25, 2020

The boss called me in on my day off; some visitors needed help; but, why me? ​

I finally asked one of the guests, and she told me they had requested the best. I froze, silent for a moment, quickly nodded and moved on. ​

Later, I pulled her aside and admitted,

“Sometimes I have trouble with compliments. Thank you for that.” ​

Most of my life has been spent hating compliments (because they felt so uncomfortable) and loving them (because they felt so good); so, of course, I rejected them all.

And apparently I am not alone:

Some people reject them by playing a game of catch and throwing the compliment right back: “That’s a nice jacket.” “Oh, uh, I like your shirt too.”

Some duck their heads and mumble their way out of it, while others completely negate it: "Oh, this old thing? And it didn’t even cost much."

Still others are greatly generous as they deflect the compliment with kind words toward the designer, the store or you.

And finally, there are those who verbally bury it by going into a tedious explanation of where they bought it, what it cost and did you know the store almost went out of business! ​​

Why reject them? Some people do not want to appear egotistical, while others feel undeserving and still others want to avoid feeling indebted.

Note - ​On the most basic level, compliments are a validation of who we are. And you and I deserve them, even if/when it feels like we do not.

How to Let Them In

1) Stop & Start - Stop second guessing motives, stop deflecting and start responding with a simple Thank you, and...

2) Breathe - Just saying Thank you can bring up some discomfort, which automatically tightens the body. That tightness also blocks the positive effects of the compliment, so... breathe out the tension and relax.

3) Let it in - Relax right then, or relax as you replay the compliment later. And let it settle deep into that place you feel vulnerable: do not try to find this place; just breathe easily and let the compliment settle in.

With a bit of practice, you can increase that nice lift you usually feel, so go ahead and replay the compliment several times (as you relax and let it all the way in).

With a bit of practice, the discomfort that goes with a simple Thank You will weaken and disappear.​

Even without that bit of practice, each compliment that settles in (no matter how small) raises your self-esteem (and self-confidence).

How to Get More Compliments

I hope you are feeling excited about putting compliments to work for you; but, where are they?

One way to bring in more of them is to start giving them. HOWEVER, 'giving to get' never works, because people sense the motive; and even when a compliment does come back, it can feel 'bought'.​

Instead, give compliments without expecting a return, and reap these 3 benefits:

1.) a deeper, stronger relationship (which can come from even one, freely given compliment);

2.) the good feeling of watching others brighten; and,

3.) knowing that compliments can come flowing back later.

​The hardest part of this can be that Oscar-winning performance, as we convincingly act as if we do not expect a return (often by simply continuing the conversation).

​And the easiest part? It should be the giving. After all, it takes but a moment to find something to like and about the same amount of time to say it.

​But for some of us, it is not that easy. The key is to go ahead and do it anyway, and not let a negative reluctance get in the way of your goal: uplifting you and your life, along with those around you.

Another way to bring in more compliments is to use your friends: give them this post; and then suggest, “Every time we talk, let’s give each other one, genuine compliment.”​

After some initial laughter/discomfort, this experience can bring you closer, as well as being both enjoyable and fulfilling.​

The key to success is persistence, as you 1.) lift those around you one compliment at a time; 2.) stop second guessing motives, stop deflecting and start responding with a soft “Thank you; and, 3.) let go of the tension, as you let each compliment settle deep within.

Go Ahead, Tell the Truth

Another way to lift your life, right now, is to stop saying "I'm fine." Here is a simple way to tell the truth, and bring yourself profound relief and bring others closer to you. At this link:

The World's Biggest Lie (& An Easy Way to Tell the Truth)


All She Ever Wanted Was...


Her: She was saying, “If only I could find the right guy, I would give myself to him, and—

I stopped her and asked, “Give your SELF?”

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His business was deep in the red, and he was now desperate.

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He immediately said, “My Mother.”

She was giving him money to keep his business afloat.

She had also given him the down payment for his house and had recently taken over the payments. ​

His insight: "I'm 30 years old and still (like a child) dependent on my mother!"

Him & Her: The power of a deep insight is that it cannot be unseen; it will tend to keep prodding, motivating and pushing Him and Her into a permanent change (no resolutions needed).

And That Power is Now Yours:


Either one of these 2 simple techniques can bring you a life-changing insight, one that leads to permanent change.

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How Many ?

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But one, eye-widening moment can begin leaving that pain behind

* Imagine seeing the present and past in an instant and knowing that it is no longer you

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For more on compliments is How to Respond to a Compliment


The very foundation of personal improvement is self-care/self-love. At this link: https://www.danielsperaw.com/single-post/Self-Care-Self-Love-3-Tips--Raise-Your-Quality-of-Life

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