Updated: Jan 31
People often say, I don’t judge, which is why it is hard for me to admit that I do.
Yes, I do look down on those around me, as I notice their problems and issues. I mentally shake my head at the way they behave, the mistakes they make and even the clothes they wear.
Of course, I only judge when I am feeling in some way less than: weak, tired or ill, stepped on, left out or judged myself!
And when I finish my own judging, I feel better (superior, stronger); but, the feeling does not last, which is why I have to do it again. And again.
What is also true is that I never CHOOSE to judge; in fact, I want to stop. I do! But how?
A judgmental thought suddenly pops up in all its negative glory, way too late to block or even change. AlthoughOf course, I can immediately bury/repress it, or change it to a positive or even criticize myself, those efforts have had no effect on how often or how much I judge.
1.) I keep my judgements inside. I even keep them from those I do not like or feel angry toward; after all, they are within me, which makes them mine, and nobody deserves an expression of my pain.
2.) Instead of trying to stop those judgements, change them or beat myself up, I take a step back and allow them. Yes, I give myself permission to judge. I mean, really, what is the alternative?
Stopping, fighting and criticizing do not work, so self-acceptance it is: I take a step back and gently let myself be who I am in that moment (while breathing out the tension).
3.) And when I can, I give the person I just judged a compliment. It only takes a moment to find something I like and just as long say it. Which gives us both a lift.
The result? My need to judge continues to lessen, I think because I stopped fighting and started accepting.
And someday soon, I hope to join all the wonderful people who say, I don’t judge.
Do You Know the Difference?
There is a big difference between a judgement and a personal preference.
A personal preference is not negative; it is simply a preference; and it always has a personal pronoun attached: I didn't like that movie; or I thought the movie was awful or My opinion? That guy can't act worth a damn.
A judgement, though, is a negative thought with no personal pronoun: That movie was awful! or What a terrible movie or If only that guy could act.
NOW, with your personal pronouns firmly in hand, you can proudly say, I don't judge!
All he ever wanted...
His business was deep in the red, and he was now desperate.
I asked him, “If there was one person on the planet who is holding you back, who would it be?”
He immediately said, “My Mother.”
She was giving him money to keep his business afloat. She had also given him the down payment for his house and had recently taken over the payments.
His insight: "I'm 30 years old and still (like a child) dependent on my mother!"
The power of a deep insight is that it cannot be unseen; it tends to stay with us, prodding, pushing and motivating us into a permanent change.
That one insight put him on a path to becoming the man, and success, he had always wanted to be.
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So many people spend their lives trying to change but stay stuck: being overweight; or trapped in money problems, or an unfulfilling relationship, or a stalled career.
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All She ever wanted...
She was saying, “If only I could find the right guy, I would give myself to him, and—"
I stopped her and asked, “Give your SELF?” Her eyes widened as she realized what she had said and what she had been doing.
A deep insight can, indeed, bring permanent change, and yes, you don’t need me. Who is This Guy?
Why am I encouraging you to find your own answers? Every time we even try for personal understanding, our inner strength increases—a bit more—and that strength translates into other areas of our lives.
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Nagging can be as negative as being judgemental:
The very foundation of personal improvement is self-care/self-love. At this link: