(7) How to be Selfish & Care About Others (at the same time)

Updated: 7 days ago

From the earliest ages, we are taught to share: my cookies, your wagon, his toy; but how much did we really learn?

Sharing hurt then, it hurts now. An unpopular view, I know, but do we really need to pretend otherwise?

Remember the fiasco over that last piece of cake?

“Go ahead and take it, it’s yours.”

“No, you have it.”

“No, you should have it,” etc., ad nauseum

Dr. Laurence Peter wrote, “There are two kinds of egotists: those who admit it, and the rest of us.”

I looked up that word, egotist: Those who are limited to or caring only about themselves and their own needs.

Those who believe Dr. Peter also believe that altruism is rare to non-existent, that there is a payoff for our every action and that even charitable acts yield good feelings (including that self-satisfied pat on the back).

When the opposition’s dust of outrage finally settles over that last paragraph, I ask this question: Is it really so bad to selfishly say what we want, loud and clear. I mean, what if everybody spoke up in their own self-interest?

As a wise man once asked, “Who is going to take care of me? You?”

Which brings us to the big question, the point of all this: Can we speak up for ourselves and care about others?

If your answer is no, then don’t speak for that last piece of cake, the one

just sitting there with several sets of eyes on it. Instead, wait for that painful moment of disappointment when another egotist does.

How to Do the Socially Impossible

Have you ever been cornered and had to listen to someone talk at you? Or said Yes to a favor when you wanted to say No?

I have, and my reaction was to both was somewhere between quietly irritable and inaudibly angry. I have also felt this way when someone judged or criticized or made fun of me.

It is difficult to admit, but I was wrong to be angry at them; the culprit, you see, was standing in the opposite direction. It was me who was mad at me for not standing up for, yes, me. I very much needed to say No to the favor-asker, stop the long-winded, respond to feeling put down and speak up for the cake. But could not.

There were times I decided to speak up, built up my courage and went out with a set jaw and clenched fists... And stayed silent. And all of my self-criticism, derision and anger made no difference.

Holding back is the way I was raised—silence not confrontation—and I hated myself for being (what I thought was) weak.

The few times I did speak up, I needed my irritation/anger as a shield. I could not quietly and reasonably tell someone what I thought; it was just too far outside my experience.

So, how can we learn a socially-difficult skill if we cannot get ourselves to even try? By practicing in a safe place.

Choose someone with whom you feel comfortable, and ask them to help you with a difficult situation (you will probably be helping them too).

For example, they could play the role one of those long-winded talkers, while you have some fun stopping them in mid-sentence, excusing yourself and leaving. Or you can practice saying No to those asking you for favors, or respond to that last criticism.

You could even practice speaking up for that last piece of cake.

The fun of role playing can give you the strength, experience and courage to express more of who you are more often. Especially if you practice over a number of sessions.

And when you feel ready to go out in the world, let it be okay to botch it or even stay silent. Go out with gentle empathy and self-support.

If the worst does happen, have some more fun practicing Persistence is the key to increased inner strength, self-esteem and self-confidence.

To Get There Faster

One essential element to speaking up for ourselves is self-confidence, which automatically comes with more self-acceptance. Self-acceptance also brings additional self-esteem and inner strength. At this link:

Faster Self-Acceptance & Greater Self-Esteem


All She Ever Wanted Was...


Her: She was saying, “If only I could find the right guy, I would give myself to him, and—

I stopped her and asked, “Give your SELF?”

Her eyes widened as she realized what she had said and what she had been doing.

Him: Free Insights

His business was deep in the red, and he was now desperate.

I asked him, “If there was one person on the planet holding you back, who would it be?”

He immediately said, “My Mother.”

She was giving him money to keep his business afloat.

She had also given him the down payment for his house and had recently taken over the payments. ​

His insight: "I'm 30 years old and still (like a child) dependent on my mother!"

Both Him & Her: The power of a deep insight is that it cannot be unseen; it will tend to keep prodding, motivating and pushing Him and Her into a permanent change (no resolutions needed).

And That Power is Now Yours:


Either one of these 2 simple techniques can bring you a life-changing insight, one that leads to permanent change.

Both are complete (nothing held back)

Both free

And sent directly to your inbox:

How Many ?

How many people, no matter what they try, spend their lives not losing Weight, or in unfulfilling Relationships (or none), or with Money problems or a Stalled career?

But one, eye-widening moment can begin leaving that pain behind

* Imagine seeing the present and past in an instant and knowing that it is no longer you

* Imagine taking control over that part of your life

* And imagine the relief of knowing that you are finally moving on, once and for all.

Click this link and get your free techniques now:

Discover Your Insights

* Your email address is 100% secure

Note: Role playing to strengthen ourselves is officially called Assertiveness Training. This link will take you to one of the best websites I have seen on the subject: http://www.mtstcil.org/skills/assert-intro.html

The only way to forgive. At this link:


The very foundation of personal improvement is self-care/self-love. Here is that link: https://www.danielsperaw.com/single-post/Self-Care-Self-Love-3-Tips--Raise-Your-Quality-of-Life

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