(144) Forgiveness is a Path (not a one-time event) & Includes Forgiving Ourselves

Updated: 3 days ago

Some things are unforgivable: I was six years old when my father started using his belt; I guess the criticizing, put-downs and yelling were not enough.

What he did to my brothers and me was unforgivable. And he does not just get to walk away and leave us with the aftermath!

But Mom pushed me into a religious upbringing, which meant that I should forgive him.

So I did.

A few minutes later, I was just as angry (hurt and sad), and just as nervous, distant and needy when he was around. So I kept trying:

* Again and again, over the years, I yelled or whispered I forgive you;

* On New Year’s Eve, I wrote out my pain and then burned the paper – 2 years in a row;

* I wrote him a letter (rewriting it five times to edit out the blame);

* NOTHING changed (which is another way of saying that good-old Dad continued to hurt me).

Locked in the Past

It took me a long time to realize that forgiveness has little to do with those that hurt us and everything to do with freeing ourselves.

It is true! Some things are unforgivable, but without forgiveness, we stay glued to the pain of our past; those who hurt us continue to hurt us.

What is also true is that every act of forgiveness frees us a bit more, but forgiving just once, or once in awhile, has little overall effect on our lives.

The keys to freedom are consistency and persistence.

These 6 ideas can help:

1. Stop telling your story (about how awful it was): stop telling it to others; stop telling it to yourself.

And the same for self-forgiveness: stop telling yourself what an awful person you are and/or stop rationalizing about why it is not your fault, or stop asking How could I have done that?

Gently stop all of the words.

2. And then, release the pain.

Although the words have stopped, you will still be feeling the negative emotion. Most of us distract ourselves by getting busy doing something or thinking about anything else. We do everything we can to not feel it.

But each time it comes up, you have the chance to release it forever: instead of turning from it, feel it, and that much more will pass through you and out forever (especially if you also breathe out the tension in your body).

And it is the same for self-forgiveness. Relax and let the regrets, remorse and guilt pass right on through you.

  • Note if you find yourself drowning in a negative emotion, you can release it faster with some physical activity (fun physical activity if possible).

3. Set Boundaries: If the person who hurt you is still in your life, stop showing them your resentment; &/or stop trying to make them feel badly (guilty?). Instead, set up a barrier of distant friendliness.

  • Note - sometimes, the culprit will hate seeing you suddenly unaffected by them, living your life, your way.

4. Speed the process by wishing them a good life. What!?

I know; I know. It is difficult to even think about wishing them well, but each time you do, you soften your own resistance to forgiving them and/or yourself.

Less resistance means sooner freedom for you.

5. Do more for you: expand your life, so that when thoughts of the offender come to mind, you are out in the world following your interests, pursuing your dreams and living as if they had never hurt you.

6. And finally, listen to the signals: the tendency to tell your story is a signal; the negative thoughts/feelings that come up are also signals. Use them as reminders *to stop the words, *to relax and feel, *to wish them a good life and *to take more positive action in your own life.

Using signals brings consistency. And for persistence, know that every act, every thought and every word of forgiveness releases us that much more (even when it does not feel that way).

All She Ever Wanted Was...


Her: She was saying, “If only I could find the right guy, I would give myself to him, and—

I stopped her and asked, “Give your SELF?”

Her eyes widened as she realized what she had said and what she had been doing.


His business was deep in the red, and he was now desperate.

I asked him, “If there was one person on the planet holding you back, who would it be?”

He immediately said, “My Mother.”

She was giving him money to keep his business afloat.

She had also given him the down payment for his house and had recently taken over the payments. ​

His insight: "I'm 30 years old and still (like a child) dependent on my mother!"

Him & Her: The power of a deep insight is that it cannot be unseen; it will tend to keep prodding, motivating and pushing Him and Her into a permanent change (no resolutions needed).

And That Power is Now Yours:


Either one of these 2 simple techniques can bring you a life-changing insight, one that leads to permanent change.

Both are complete (nothing held back)

Both free

And sent directly to your inbox with this link:

Discover Your Insights

How Many ?

How many people, no matter what they try, spend their lives not losing Weight, or in unfulfilling Relationships (or none), or with Money problems or a Stalled career?

But one, eye-widening moment can begin leaving that pain behind

* Imagine seeing the present and past in an instant and knowing that it is no longer you

* Imagine taking control over that part of your life

* And imagine the relief of knowing that you are finally moving on, once and for all.

Click this link and get your free techniques now:

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For more on forgiveness, here are 2 links:

How to Forgive When It Feels Impossible


How to Forgive


Relationships crash from emotional abuse/emotional dumping; make them soar, at this link Relationships-crash-from-emotional-abuse

The very foundation of personal improvement is self-care/self-love. Here is that link: https://www.danielsperaw.com/blog/the-essence-of-personal-improvement

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