Updated: Jan 29
So many power struggles:
* the ‘I am right and you should listen to me
* the ‘I am better, faster or smarter than you’
* ‘You have to do what I say.’
* or the worst, ‘You’ll regret having done that, who can cause the most hurt.’
That is the short list, and this is how to end them - all - easily.
Stuck in Monday morning traffic, I suddenly hit the steering wheel and winced at the pain. It is too much! I thought. Grief from my ex-wife on the weekends, and I have to fight Jerry all week long!
Far ahead, the light turned red. I hit the steering wheel again (though not nearly as hard) and thought, Jerry will either change his attitude this
morning or he's fired.
A sports car cut me off; I hit the brakes and then my horn.
I finally pulled into work, jerking the car to a stop. Slamming the door, I headed straight to Jerry’s cubicle. He was on the computer, his back to the opening.
I clenched a fist and said, Jerry!
The man tensed and slowly turned his chair.
I leaned into my words: I need that report by the end of the day! No excuses! This has gone on way...”
Jerry was nodding, as he interrupted, Sure, sure, I have it all ready for you.
He reached up and pulled it from the shelf.
I stood staring at the first page.
Eventually I mumbled, Oh, well, uh, good.
Glancing up, I half heartedly asked, Uh, how about the Davis work up? You know, we really need to get on it.
Jerry said, No problem, I’ve already started it. I’ll have it for you ahead of schedule.
I realized my mouth was open. I shut it, nodded uneasily and left.
Later that afternoon, I was back at Jerry’s cubicle. I stood hesitating, then pushed myself to knock on the partition. Jerry swung around with a smile that died.
Hi, I said nervously.
Still hesitating, I had to push myself to ask, Why the sudden change? I mean, glad to see it, but why?
Jerry looked embarrassed, as he said, Well, I just decided to get a report in on time for once.
Feeling even more uncomfortable, I slid into the other chair and said, Look Jerry, it's been bugging me all day, and I really would like to know.
Jerry dropped his eyes, scratched his head and said, Okay. Well. It felt like we were in a battle. It seemed like I had to fight you.
I was silent.
Jerry looked up and said, I kept thinking this was a miserable way to live. And I decided to let you win.
In a flat voice, I repeated, Let me win.
Well, yeah. It felt like a fight, so I imagined letting you win. I hated the feeling, but it was the only way I could think of to change things. I mean, when I was not fighting you in some outside way, I was getting back at you in my mind.
Not knowing what to say, I stood to go and murmured, Uh, yeah, okay, thanks.
Early that next Saturday morning, I was on the way to pick up my children. Jerry's words, I decided to let you win had been echoing in my mind all week.
Even before the door was fully open, I heard my ex-wife’s irritated voice: I absolutely need the children home on time tomorrow, or is that just going to be too much for you?
I looked away, jaw tight and thought, Will it never end?
I turned to her angry face, took a breath and forced myself to say, Good morning. About last weekend, I really am sorry about being late. Tomorrow, we’ll be back a few minutes early.
A scathing retort died on her lips.
I took another breath and pushed out, Oh, speaking of early, here is the support check.
As my children ran out the door and into my arms, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief, as I realized, I can let her win.
Wait! Wasn't He Supposed to Win?
Leaving her to fight by herself put his self-esteem back up where it belonged. It gave him back his inner peace, increased his inner-strength and raised his overall quality of life.
Of course, watching her face struggle with his change was also a win.
All he ever wanted...
His business was deep in the red, and he was now desperate.
I asked him, “If there was one person on the planet who is holding you back, who would it be?”
He immediately said, “My Mother.”
She was giving him money to keep his business afloat. She had also given him the down payment for his house and had recently taken over the payments.
His insight: "I'm 30 years old and still (like a child) dependent on my mother!"
The power of a deep insight is that it cannot be unseen; it tends to stay with us, prodding, pushing and motivating us into a permanent change.
That one insight put him on a path to becoming the man, and success, he had always wanted to be.
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So many people spend their lives trying to change but stay stuck: being overweight; or trapped in money problems, or an unfulfilling relationship, or a stalled career.
But one, deep insight, one eye-widening moment, can begin leaving that pain behind.
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All She ever wanted...
She was saying, “If only I could find the right guy, I would give myself to him, and—"
I stopped her and asked, “Give your SELF?” Her eyes widened as she realized what she had said and what she had been doing.
A deep insight can, indeed, bring permanent change, and yes, you don’t need me. Who is This Guy?
Why am I encouraging you to find your own answers? Every time we even try for personal understanding, our inner strength increases—a bit more—and that strength translates into other areas of our lives.
Either of these 2 simple techniques can bring you the answers you need, as well as increase your strength. And it's all free. Get started now:
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And for more on winning: Forget Compromise, Win the Power Struggle from Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everybody-marries-the-wrong-person/201206/forget-compromise
Self-Care / self-love works best when we speak up for ourselves. Here is how:
The very foundation of personal improvement is self-care/self-love. At this link: